panic

i just stood in the shower--panicked. i couldn't reach for my towel. i just couldn't. so i stood completely frozen as streams of water made their trek down my body to the floor of the tub. i wondered what he would say. i imagined him asking something like, "you okay?" and i would say, "yeah." or he would ask, "how are you?" and i would say, "fine." but really i would want to scream "no" and "awful." maybe even "hell no" and "regretful as shit." yeah, maybe that's what i would say, i thought. and then i thought, maybe he will be gone. which is pretty optimistic for me. and then i realized, he'll be there. he'll be there because there was too much to be said.

standing outside after my first class of the day, hours later, i watched this couple holding hands. the guy whispered something in his girlfriend's ear and she giggled. it was as if the entire scene was in slow motion. i watched her head turn slightly, teasingly. i watched his hand slide underneath her pink shirt as he pulled her closer. i thought i was going to throw up. i ran back into the english building and into the girls' bathroom. i leaned over the toilet, gasping and gagging. the water was blue. the cleaning ladies must have just finished, i figured. and i felt guilty for the mess i was about to make. so i swallowed, forcing any hints of vomit back down.

"hey."
"hey."
"so...i didn't know if you wanted me to..."
"no, it's fine."
"okay."
"yeah"
"so, can i take a shower here."
"oh yeah, sure. whatever you want to do."
"okay, great. so, you're finished in there."
"yeah. all finished."
"you take long showers."
"yeah." weak smile.
"right. okay, i'll just be a few minutes."
"right. no problem. take your time. whatever."
"thanks."
"don't mention it." don't mention it. please, don't mention it.